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Like most people, I’ve been trying to figure out who I am my entire life. My earliest memories of starting to figure myself out always involves my old church and religion. I feel like I touch on this every time I write, but I was raised in an incredibly conservative (and ignorant) branch of Christianity that I never felt I fit into. I remember hating Sunday School as a youngster, not wanting to have anything to do with the children’s choir, and having more interest in the puzzle books I snuck into sermons as I got older than listening to the pastor drone on. I never went to youth group and became embarrassed every time someone would come up, hug me, and say they were “praying for me,” which essentially means they were judging you. (How are they to know MY relationship with GOD?!)
As I went into my junior year of high school, I knew I was going to get out of there when I turned 18, and I started to blossom from awkward teenager to awkward teenager that was actually…kind of fun to be around. After I actually turned 18, I got my first boyfriend, first new car, and first chance to just be me, whoever that was.
But, I really didn’t learn to be me until I turned 21, and since then, I’ve still been learning how to be the BEST me.
Many of you know I went through a really rough time when I was 19-20 years old. Little did I know at the time, I needed that to begin the healing process of suppressing my feelings my entire life, from being told one way was the right way, from not knowing anything at all and being hurt by it.
(This is NO WAY a knock at my parents. They have grown a lot too and are my best friends!)
When I turned 20, I was “better,” but I was mean. There was still a lot of bitterness and anger toward the world. I described myself as an asshole and I was proud of it. I looked for fights. I had to prove to the world I wasn’t some naive little church girl, but the thug life had chose me.
From the time I was 21, I started realizing being a self-proclaimed asshole was no way to go through life or make a living. I often preach against bullying, but I was a real dick myself.
Fast forward to late last year. Life was really looking up for me. Things were settled down. My relationship with my family was better than ever, I kicked (most) of the bad people out of my life and kept the good in, and I found a passion in running and yoga. I realized that life isn’t so bad. Bad things can happen, but I can finally find comfort in the things I love.
I really started looking at life more positively when I noticed people in my life reacting negatively and I thought, “HOW do they LIVE like that? Was I like that?”
The truth is, when you look at everything pessimistically, when you think the world is out to get you, when you think you have a hatred for everyone, you aren’t living, you’re just there. You’re not moving forward, only slipping further into nothingness. I’ve been there.
Now today, I don’t claim to be an asshole, but I know I can be arrogant and passionate about the things and people I know and love. (or…dislike. I.E. Brandon Bollig.) I stand up for those things and that can make me seem like an ass, but I know I’m not anymore.
I started thinking about this new leaf, positivity, and how much I preach against bullying and stand up for mental health, but then I realized how many times I just sit there and think (or tweet or text) “I hate people!” How hypocritical and untrue. Do I hate the actions of people? Yes. Do I not get along with many people due to personality clashes? Yes, yes, very much yes. But do I genuinely hate anyone? No. Do I wish anyone would not exist? Absolutely not. They are here for a purpose, just like me.
I’ve seen so much negativity, hypocrisy, and just pure hatred from one person to another lately, that it got my wheels turning.
I don’t hate anyone. I dislike many people, and many people dislike me, BUT people love me and people love the people I may dislike. Everybody has someone that loves them, even if you are an acquired taste, like myself.
Hating or wishing someone away doesn’t do any good for you or that person. Sometimes, bridges need to be burned and ties need to be cut, but should never be done ill-willed. (I.E. I hate them. I wish they would never come back. I wish they would die. Etc.) Those thoughts and words are dangerous.
My goal is to stop using the phrase, “I hate people” and to just start being more positive in general about that sort of thing. When I get on my soapbox and start up about not being a bully and “you are loved,” I want you to believe it.
Will I still be the sassy, smartass you all know and hate to love and love to hate? Most definitely, I just have to start being more creative with my Brandon Bollig disdain.
shrek. 16. bi. onions. mud. swamps. gross things. fuck lord farquad. fuck humans. fuck fairytale creatures. i dont need anyone but myself. i eat bugs and eyeballs i truly do not give a fuck. follow for follow.
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